Visualizzazione post con etichetta jokes. Mostra tutti i post
Visualizzazione post con etichetta jokes. Mostra tutti i post
The Creation of Parrot
:On the first day of creation, God created the parrot.
:On the second day, God created man to serve the parrot.
:On the third day, God created all the vegetables and nuts of the earth to serve as potential food for the parrot.
:On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the parrot.
:On the fifth day, God created cables and ropes so that the parrot could chew through them.
:On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the parrot healthy and the man broke.
:On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to clean the parrot cages...
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had togo to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key underthe mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "IREPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, hediscovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, justas she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairmango about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessantyelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't containhimself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See men, they never listen!
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "IREPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, hediscovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, justas she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairmango about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessantyelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't containhimself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See men, they never listen!
Burglar and Parrot
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined hisflashlight around, looking for valuables, and when hepicked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked hisflashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing moreafter a bit, he shook his head, promised himself avacation after the next big score, then clicked thelight on and began searching for more valuables.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he coulddisconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in thecorner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot."Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot."Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?""Moses," replied the bird."Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of peoplewould name a bird Moses.""The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus." he replied.
Horny Parrot
A woman had a female parrot which kept saying: "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?"
She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her."
So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other one and said, "Put away the Bible, our prayers have been answered."
GOING, GOING, GONE!
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
MAMA'S GIFTS
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes."She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes."She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Iscriviti a:
Post (Atom)